A post

This is something that's a bit odd for me. I'm going to make an actual blog post. I don't quite know where it is going to go. I admit, I'm going to ramble. But if you are interested in me, Jason, and who I am, I ask that I might persuade you to keep reading. I shall do my absolute best to shed light on any mysteries that might surround me. Still with me? Let us go then, you and I. If you get that reference and are female, I'll marry you right now.

I am a loner. Emotionally, and physically. Whether this is from upbringing, experience in the world, a combination of both, or even some reason I don't know of, it is what I am. I can't say I particularly chose it, or even enjoy it. It simple is. And I admit, it's rough letting people in to my world. I find it one of the most difficult things you could possibly imagine. Even more problematic is keeping people within the fold once they're there. I find that the ones we allow in the closest, are usually the ones we end up being the most angry with in the end, as we know they are aware of some darker side to us. Of course we don't like this. It doesn't sit comfortably with a person to feel vulnerable.

I'm not one to share. I don't mean my toys, fuck, I love sharing my toys with others, it gives a sense of camaraderie and belonging. I mean, I'm not one to share my feelings, whether they be joy, which I'll be honest, I rarely experience, or sadness, or depression, or anger, or even pain. I think growing up I learned no one cared and they were things to keep to yourself. I obviously can't say this is a good thing, because they leave many emotions and feelings not dealt with and bottled up inside. It's true what they say, they will eat you alive.

I think, this particularly post arises from something that has happened within the past two years. I began feeling an intense pain inside my inner ear, that was actually thought to be a tumor in my head. Luckily, it turned out this wasn't the case. However, collateral damage was suffered. Not to my body, but to many people around me who could not understand why I suddenly withdrew and became a recluse to them. I was in such pain most of the time, I simply couldn't bear to be around others. Not only was it the pain, but with it came an irritability that just made me not someone you wanted to be around. I was always angry, and I would lash out without warning. This was something I couldn't do to my friends. I have never been one to take out my feelings towards one thing on another who had nothing to do with it, and yet I started to.

So I cut off all contact. I did this to a girl I had only recently begun seeing. She didn't take this well, and played it off to me as if everything was fine. It's true, I didn't tell her the real reason I did it. I gave the cliche, I just can't do this right now. I thought she accepted this because she was good at hiding how she felt too. This was not the case. In fact, I angered her to a level I had no idea of. She became very malicious towards me behind my back and actually sabotaged quite a few relationships I had, without my knowing until later. As much as I want to have nothing but hatred for her, I can't. She did what she felt she had to do. Can I forgive her? I don't know. I feel at this point in my life, I must. I have no other option. To hold on to the anger will only destroy me. So this is me letting that go. Do I expect forgiveness? Of course not. But now the reason is out there. (not that I think anyone actually reads my blogs.)

Months later, when I was not feeling the pain as badly as before, I did meet someone. I fell for her hard. Too hard. I knew better than to jump in head first, but I did. I couldn't resist. For whatever reason there might be, and there are a million, I failed to hold on to her. I should have held on with everything I had, but no, I just let it go. Thinking it was the right thing, I watched a dream fade for the second time. Again, these are just fancy strings of words. If only I could articulate my real thoughts in a manner that would have meaning. But that too is over.

My pain has returned, ten fold, actually. I endured it for this long alone, telling no one but my doctors. Not a soul knew how badly I suffered every day. It was so bad I could at times only collapse and cry. And I don't say this for sympathy. I don't want pity. I want it to be understood who I am at this moment in time. I'm human, duh, and like all of us, I long for the touch of another. Someone that will in turn enjoy my touch, feel comfort in my presence as I would in their own. This isn't even a whine about not having such a person in my life. This is who I am. Not very interesting, right? I'm just like every one else.

But I wonder, does this confession change anything? Does it matter why I did the things I did, or only the end result? Now, I've even burned my Aikido bridges. It was never something I planned, but suddenly there I was faced with the decision to leap or comply, and I always comply. So I leaped this time.

I can remember how it felt, during those times when it felt like I had someone at my side, and it was grand. But I threw those away too. Again, nothing can change this, and yet, I can't help but dwell upon where I went wrong.

So I'll even apologize. To you, whoever you are that needs the apology from me. I gladly give it, but remember, I'm no one and my apologies mean nothing in the end. Words can change nothing. Had I thought ahead, I would have never caused the hurt. But I didn't. I made mistakes, I failed, and I even succeeded in some places. And yet, those successes are so far and few between. I feel my complexities are so much greater than I, and they will win in the end, whatever that means. Oh, how these words are so fickle to my feelings. I wish I could make it more clear.

jsn